2010 Here we come!

I am so ready for 2009 to be over and welcome 2010 with hope and ambition! I'm not one who usually makes a new years resolution because no one ever follows through with them. So what is the point. But this year I'm not only going to make one I'm going to follow through with them. I want 2010 to be unforgettable for me and my family. So here it is my New Years Resolutions!

We are going to find Justin a New job with better hours so he can spend more time with his family. I am going to be a better wife. Not nag so much and try not to criticize my husbands driving quite so much. I'm going to be a better mother. Be more patient with my children and husband appreciate more the time I get to spend with them. I'm going to run at least three times a week and get into better shape. I'm going to try to be more confident and have a better self image. I'm going to read the Book of Mormon cover to cover. I'm going to develop a better relationship with my dad. Get pregnant with my third child. I'm going to try to focus on the good things going on in my life and not so much on the bad. I'm going to be a better friend. I'm going to make time to go to the Temple. Put more money in savings and over all just be a better me! I hope everyone has as good as a year as I plan to have.

Happy New Year!

I am not an addict so don't treat me like one.

Feeling a bit frustrated and bugged by my doctor. I've had problems sleeping as long as I can remember. About a year after Justin and I were married it got really bad so my doctor prescribed me Ambien. It worked great. I took it for a couple of months. It got my body in the habit of going to sleep. After that I quit taking it. Till I was pregnant with CJ towards the end of my pregnancy I just couldn't sleep. Ambien is safe to take in a low dose while you are pregnant so my doctor prescribed it to me again. I took it for about a month till I had CJ and haven't had to take it since. Well my bad sleeping habit has started up again. I think partly to my husbands wonderful work schedule and partly due to the fact that my moms one year anniversary of her death is coming up in a couple of weeks and I can't get her out of my mind. I've been wanting to go get a prescription again but have been putting it off because I didn't want to spend the money to go to the doctor just to get a prescription. Well last week I got sick so I went to a doctor here in town. While I was there I talked to him about my sleeping problems. He told me he didn't like Ambien so he was going to prescribe me something else and if it didn't work to let him know. I was a little irritated at first. I didn't want to spend the money on something that we weren't sure if it was going to work. But I filled it anyways. Well guess what it didn't work. It would make me a little drowsy, but being tired was never the problem. It's getting my mind to shut down thats the problem. When I would finally fall a sleep I would wake up a couple of hours later with a terrible dry mouth ( one of the lovely side affects to this medication). So I called the Doc. up today. Told him the problem and asked him to please call me in some Ambien. Reluctantly he agreed, but continued to tell me he would not ever call me in a refill. What gives. He is treating me like I am addicted. I understand that you can get addicted to Ambin if you abuse it. But I never have. I have always used it as it is meant to be use, as a short term solution not a long term one. It really got to me. I wanted to give him a peace of my mind. He has no reason to treat me like I'm some kind of addict. I wanted to tell him that less them a year ago my mother died because of her addiction, my father went to prison for his and I know a few who are addicted to prescription drugs and that's not me nor will it ever be. I'm not an addict so don't treat me like one!

Positive or Negative

I'm having such an emotional week. I know it must sound crazy to any normal person to be thinking about when it is the right time to have another baby already. I have two who in most peoples minds are still babies. Brylee is almost two and CJ is only nine months old! Still I get overwhelmed with emotions to have another one now! I'm trying to figure out why this is. There must be some reason. When I think about things logically I know right now isn't the right time. For so many reasons. We really need better insurance so it won't cost us four thousand dollars like it did with CJ, I don't want to have three kids in diapers (even though I hope to have Brylee potty trained soon), It's so hard having two kids so little, I want to get my body in better shape before I destroy it again. The list of reasons could go on forever. My emotions sometimes over shadow all these things. There are many reasons why I think this could be. I know my endometriosis is getting bad again, am I afraid to go through what I did when trying to get pregnant with Brylee. I don't know. I don't think about it a ton. Probably because I had no problem getting pregnant with CJ. It does cross my mind now and then. Do I want to have to go through another surgery, giving my self shots everyday, The horrible feeling of seeing that negative pregnancy test over and over again? Is it because I have never felt this kind of joy before. The joy of mother hood. I know sometimes it is so hard and I just want to curl up and cry because I've had such a stressful day with the kids. But none of that takes away even a little bit of the love I feel for my kids and the joy they have brought to my life. I have never known happiness like this before. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Maybe I think having another one would just add to it!
Or maybe it's because I feel like I didn't get to enjoy CJs first couple of months. He is now nine months old and it has been nine months as of yesterday that I found out my mother had past away. I replay it over and over again in my head. Sitting in the hospital bed next to my new little baby boy. Feeling so happy and peaceful. Then Justin walks into the room. Immediately my heart drops to the pit of my stomach. Just the look on his face, I knew something terrible had happened. Then those words, barely able to come out of his mouth as he holding my hands " I'm so sorry but your mom has died" I'm not sure what his exact words were. My head had been spinning since the second he walk in the room.
Earlier that day I had called and talked to my Grandma. I had asked her if anyone had told my mom that I had had the baby. She told me that she hadn't been able to get a hold of her for over a week now. They had had a fight and she thought my mom was avoiding her phone calls. When I got off the phone I had this feeling something was wrong. I called my sister and told her that Grandma hadn't talked to mom for over a week and no one could get a hold of her. She must have had the same feeling I did. That night she went to my mothers, the doors were locked, She talked to the neighbors, They to had concerns that they hadn't seen her for a long time. My sister called the police and when they entered the house. There she was on the floor. She had been dead for a little over a week. At least that is every ones best guess. She had died from Cerous of the Liver. Pretty must all those years of being an alcoholic finally caught up to her.
So from that moment on it was no longer about the new little baby that had just joined our family. My visitors to the hospital were not to see CJ but were to show sympathy towards our loss. I left the hospital and went right to the funeral home. The next few days was planning the funeral and then having it. Followed by many weeks of mourning, surgery, getting through the holidays all while having a new born that wouldn't stop crying! One day I woke up and had this baby who was no longer a new born and I didn't even remember enjoying it while he was.
Maybe it's all these things put together that are creating these crazy illogical thoughts. So for now the pregnancy test will stay negative and I'll just continue to pray to know when the time is right to make it positive.

Thursdays-Feelings of Failure!

Every Thursday I get up and get ready, Pull both my kids out of bed change diapers and throw cloths on them comb their hair and try to get them to eat some kind of breakfast, even if it's just a granola bar. Then rush out the door for story time. Story time in our town is a great program. It's once a week and for the toddler age group it is only a half an hour. At the end each kid gets a free book. I thought this would be great for my kids not only do they get to increase their library, but they get to interact with other children. But it always ends up being such a long half an hour. I can't wait for it to be over. Brylee won't sit still she runs around and is such a distraction for the other kids. I don't know what to do. I want to get her and try to teach her how to sit still and participate with the group but then she screams and I feel like she is being even a bigger distraction then before. I feel like it's a win lose situation. If I let her run loose she wins and is learning that that kind of behavior is okay. If I try to contain her then she cries and no one else can hear. I feel the eyes of other parents staring at me. Are they wondering why I can't control my own child? Are they feeling sorry for me, understanding the frustration and exhaustion I must be feeling? Or are they even looking at me? Is it all in my head?
It never fails during my chase with Brylee CJ is on his own and always ends up getting hurt. Then I have two screaming children. The story time lady is great always telling me to not give up and to keep on coming.
It's time for it to end the children get to leave with their free book and I get to leave with the feeling of complete failure!

I'm starting this blog not so people can read it but just to have some me time. To be able to sit alone and put down my feelings, dreams, hopes and just release my soul. I'm not sure how often I will post just whenever I feel the need to stop and think about me!