Positive or Negative

I'm having such an emotional week. I know it must sound crazy to any normal person to be thinking about when it is the right time to have another baby already. I have two who in most peoples minds are still babies. Brylee is almost two and CJ is only nine months old! Still I get overwhelmed with emotions to have another one now! I'm trying to figure out why this is. There must be some reason. When I think about things logically I know right now isn't the right time. For so many reasons. We really need better insurance so it won't cost us four thousand dollars like it did with CJ, I don't want to have three kids in diapers (even though I hope to have Brylee potty trained soon), It's so hard having two kids so little, I want to get my body in better shape before I destroy it again. The list of reasons could go on forever. My emotions sometimes over shadow all these things. There are many reasons why I think this could be. I know my endometriosis is getting bad again, am I afraid to go through what I did when trying to get pregnant with Brylee. I don't know. I don't think about it a ton. Probably because I had no problem getting pregnant with CJ. It does cross my mind now and then. Do I want to have to go through another surgery, giving my self shots everyday, The horrible feeling of seeing that negative pregnancy test over and over again? Is it because I have never felt this kind of joy before. The joy of mother hood. I know sometimes it is so hard and I just want to curl up and cry because I've had such a stressful day with the kids. But none of that takes away even a little bit of the love I feel for my kids and the joy they have brought to my life. I have never known happiness like this before. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Maybe I think having another one would just add to it!
Or maybe it's because I feel like I didn't get to enjoy CJs first couple of months. He is now nine months old and it has been nine months as of yesterday that I found out my mother had past away. I replay it over and over again in my head. Sitting in the hospital bed next to my new little baby boy. Feeling so happy and peaceful. Then Justin walks into the room. Immediately my heart drops to the pit of my stomach. Just the look on his face, I knew something terrible had happened. Then those words, barely able to come out of his mouth as he holding my hands " I'm so sorry but your mom has died" I'm not sure what his exact words were. My head had been spinning since the second he walk in the room.
Earlier that day I had called and talked to my Grandma. I had asked her if anyone had told my mom that I had had the baby. She told me that she hadn't been able to get a hold of her for over a week now. They had had a fight and she thought my mom was avoiding her phone calls. When I got off the phone I had this feeling something was wrong. I called my sister and told her that Grandma hadn't talked to mom for over a week and no one could get a hold of her. She must have had the same feeling I did. That night she went to my mothers, the doors were locked, She talked to the neighbors, They to had concerns that they hadn't seen her for a long time. My sister called the police and when they entered the house. There she was on the floor. She had been dead for a little over a week. At least that is every ones best guess. She had died from Cerous of the Liver. Pretty must all those years of being an alcoholic finally caught up to her.
So from that moment on it was no longer about the new little baby that had just joined our family. My visitors to the hospital were not to see CJ but were to show sympathy towards our loss. I left the hospital and went right to the funeral home. The next few days was planning the funeral and then having it. Followed by many weeks of mourning, surgery, getting through the holidays all while having a new born that wouldn't stop crying! One day I woke up and had this baby who was no longer a new born and I didn't even remember enjoying it while he was.
Maybe it's all these things put together that are creating these crazy illogical thoughts. So for now the pregnancy test will stay negative and I'll just continue to pray to know when the time is right to make it positive.